People have different interpretations on what ‘tough’ is. On what ‘strength’ is. On what ‘pain tolerance’ is.
Realistically, it doesn’t quite matter where a person falls on the varying degrees of those three notions; what matters is how you feel, how you experience a situation, and that residual affect. In other words, the only person you have to prove anything to is yourself.
This is arguably the hardest realization for me. I am a strong person, an independent person, and a tough person. As much as I don’t like to admit it, I have a very hard time accepting help from anyone, or having anyone ‘take care of’ me. I like doing everything myself–to a fault, I realize. I think maybe I have a fear of being pitied, or being a burden to those around me. My rational, positive self obviously knows this is untrue and somewhat ludicrous; nevertheless, I’m very careful on what I talk about, how much I talk about it, etc. I guess you could say that was the jumping off point for starting up a personal blog again. I’m working on not feeling guilty about anything I write here. And in turn, this outlet will end up preventing me from even wanting to talk about it in ‘real life.’ (I hope).
Here’s the problem with my resistance of help and care–now, I actually need it. And I have to admit to myself that in present day I’m in a situation where I either ask for help, or don’t do certain key tasks (open a bottle, carry something heavy, do my hair, bend to pick something up, etc). This penchant to do everything myself is being put to the ultimate test. And I’ll admit, I’m working on it. But this is something that I know will take a lot of work and time on my part to be able to accept.
One thing is for certain though–I have the most amazing people in my life–personally, professionally–who are willing to help, be supportive, understanding, and the like. You know who you are–and I appreciate you all more than I could ever say. Bear with me here. 🙂
-Everything is pretty stagnant right now in terms of symptoms and severity, no changes, no improvements. Right hand seized up into a claw (Liar, Liar anyone?) again this morning, so residual pain from that is rather severe.
-Overall, been having a pretty rough go at it for the past week to be brutally honest. Staying strong. Counting down the days..
Disclaimer: I promise that not every post is going to be about RA; however, this diagnosis is very new for me. I’m not even close to completely processing it. SO–hang in with me. Right now, this is a needed sounding board for me to work through my thoughts and issues with my new diagnosis, and consequently, my new lifestyle.