Disclaimer: I’m about to rant, and possibly complain, but..it is what it is.
I haven’t always felt this way (it has taken growth, confidence, and independence); but I can honestly say, that I sit here today, at this point in my life, in 100% honesty, truthfulness, realness, and sincerity. What you see is really what you get–as cliché as that may sound. I wear my heart on my sleeve. I don’t participate in dramatics. And I simply cannot always get behind a ‘fake it until you make it’ mantra.
In saying this, I’ve reached a point–albeit temporary, I know–where I’m plain annoyed, exhausted, and frustrated. My positivity is damn near gone, and I’m sick of feeling guilty about that fact. I’ve been in chronic, immense pain for 6 months now. I’ve done nothing but hurry up and wait with regards to my health and this diagnosis. I’m aware that in most cases, there is nothing to be done over such a fact; however, it doesn’t take away the frustration in waiting for appointments and results and the like.
The bottom line is that I’m just sick of putting on a face. I’m in pain day in and day out. I don’t know what sort of symptoms and new discrepancies I’ll wake up with each morning. I’m exhausted beyond the very idea of exhaustion. And I literally, quite frankly in fact, feel as though I’ve lost control of my own mind and body, as though I can feel my body and my joints deteriorating. And the worst notion is that there is, at this current junction, nothing I can do about it. Nothing I can do until I wait…
I guess what I’m trying to say is that I’ve gotten sick of putting on a happy face. Strength? I have that down ten-fold. But positivity? I’m just not feeling it right now. Bless my loved ones for saying: ‘Stay positive,’ ‘Don’t focus on the negativity,’ ‘It’ll be okay,’ etc. I appreciate (truly, I do) the sentiments, the well-wishes, and the urgency in remaining positive. However, what I want now, more than anything is just an acceptance of reality. I want to cut the bullshit. I mean truthfully, I’m exhausted as is–why should I waste strength and energy in being fake too?
I don’t mean to be a complete downer here. And I honestly know that positivity is important and that I won’t always feel this way–physically and mentally. Nevertheless, I also don’t think I should be made to feel guilty for wanting to wallow a bit. For not having the sheer energy to not drown a bit under this diagnosis and this pain. It drives me crazy to think that what I should be doing is to make sure I’m not bringing any one else down. Like it’s my responsibility to make sure what is happening to me (and only me let me remind) isn’t making any one else sad, or angry, or what have you. I hate to sound cold here, because that in fact is truly unlike me, but I also have to be true to myself. And right now–this is me. I’m sad. I’m angry. I’m frustrated. I’m hurting.
I’m annoyed at the positivity oozing out of the people closest to me. Purely annoyed.
For once in this entire process, I want to cry and scream and frown and be OKAY with doing that. I want to be real. And for right now, my reality is temporarily negative and depressing. And, as weird as this may sound, I just want to bask in that for a little while. I want to be able to say, you know what, god damnit, this really does suck. I really feel awful. And how am I feeling today? The same, maybe worse, but no better, yet.
I know this is a rant, this is complaining, and this is a depressing post. But I’m trying not to feel guilty about those aspects. It’s human for me to feel comfortable on that end of this spectrum too. And I truthfully believe it’s unhealthy to pretend that the cons, in the pros and cons of this diagnosis, don’t exist. I won’t apologize for a post like this or feeling like this.
This too shall pass… (but while it doesn’t–this is what it is–take it or leave it, but I personally have to take it).
Bottom line: There is strength in the breakdown. There is physical and mental toughness present in the ability to acknowledge the truth behind how you’re feeling and living with said feeling instead of burying it.